


Relinquish

by gurajiorasu



Category: Arashi (Band)
Genre: Angst, Break Up, Hospitalization, M/M, Terminal Illnesses
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-26
Updated: 2015-08-09
Packaged: 2018-03-09 04:34:25
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 4
Words: 19,224
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3236384
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gurajiorasu/pseuds/gurajiorasu
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ohno was an egoist jerk but Nino's love towards him was unwavering. When one day Nino asked for a breakup, and when Ohno learned that Nino might leave him for real, he realized how he had taken Nino for granted.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

“Let’s break up,” Ohno heard Nino said one day. Lightly, but meaningfully.

They were sitting on their living room, spending their day off like they usually did. They were fine, their relationship was fine, but Nino said it like he already thought about it for the longest time.

Ohno looked at Nino as if staring could draw out an explanation from the younger. They stayed silent, eyes on each other.

Finally, Ohno let out a response while lighting up his cigarette, “Not another bullshit, Kazunari.”

“I’ll move out tomorrow,” Nino said again, proving that he was serious.

Ohno’s eyes pierced to Nino’s. He looked scandalized. Betrayed. Furious. He clearly didn’t see this coming.  
“What’s this?!”

“I- I’ve been thinking about this for quite a while and I think it’s best for us to separate,” Nino stuttered a bit and finally he averted his gaze, “I’m tired, Oh chan. I want to.. _end_ this.”

“ _Tired_?! You are _tired_ of me, Kazunari?! Really?!” Ohno’s pride was hurt and it was never a good thing.

“No- I’m just-”

Ohno stood up abruptly, rage overpowered him, “Fine, do what you want. Just don’t come back to beg me to take you back!”

Nino could only stare as the older stormed outside and closed the door with a loud bang.

If Nino was crying silently to all of his clothes and game consoles while packing his belongings that night, Ohno didn’t know about it at all.

*******

“Did he ask about me?” Nino asked. His throat was dry and his lips were chapped, but he struggled to ask.

“He- he did,” Aiba answered, voice as soft as the cloud.

“He didn’t,” Nino concluded from how Aiba’s eyes were avoiding him.

“He’s just busy,” Aiba said, “Don’t think about him, just rest.”

“You don’t have to make an excuse for him,” Nino snorted a pitiful laugh to himself, “It just makes me feel more pathetic.”

Aiba just squeezed Nino’s hand and said, “Just rest, Nino. If you want to make it to the stage this Saturday, you should rest.”

Nino just kept wearing his bitter smile.

Then, Aiba’s voice broke the silence, “Or- or maybe you should stop performing and just do the chem-”

“We’ve discussed this already,” Nino cut, “My time is not long anymore anyway, just let me do what I want to do.”

“At least try, Nino,” Aiba insisted.

It’s this conversation all over again; the one that they had been having since the past few months. Nino was lucky it was just Aiba that time, not all three of his best friends at once.

“I’m tired, Masaki,” Nino said, eyes pleading.

Aiba had a hard time fighting with himself inside his head. In the end, he knew he couldn’t do anything at all, “I couldn’t believe this is happening.”

“Me neither,” Nino patted Aiba’s head softly and he couldn’t help but thinking that maybe - _maybe_ \- it would be different if it was Ohno instead of Aiba.

Then, his heart broke all over again.

*******

“Hey, Riida,” Jun scooted closer to Ohno when it was just the two of them in the green room.

Ohno eyed the younger. Jun’s body language was weird but Ohno didn’t ask about it. Actually, everyone was weird lately but Ohno was too overwhelmed with his own problem that he couldn’t care less about anything else.

“You and Nino- don’t you want to give it a try again?” Jun asked, still with the weird gestures.

Ohno snorted a laugh. A bitter, suspiciously sounded like a self-pitying laugh, “You’re kidding, right?”

“You and Nino were such a good couple, don’t you want to get back to him? Don’t you- don’t you want to ask him to come back?” Jun asked so cautiously like something would explode if he didn’t.

“Why should I? He’s the one who broke up with me, saying that he’s tired with me and wanted to move out.”

“But he loves you.”

Ohno rolled his eyes and snorted another laugh, “Yeah, right.”

Jun lost his patience, “Riida, do you even-”

“Jun,” the door was opened and Nino emerged, his eyes were furious, “Don’t you have something better to do?”

Jun was baffled, “Nino, I-”

“You’ve promised,” Nino said.

Ohno didn’t know what was happening, but seeing his _ex_ -lover there by the door made him felt the unpleasant feeling in his heart again. He put his glum face on and looked away.

“I just-”

“Jun!” Nino warned.

With that, Jun surrendered. He took his bag and retreated outside. He was irritated but everyone could tell that he wasn’t mad to Nino.

Nino exhaled a long breath when Jun was already out of sight. The air around them was still tense and awkward even though it was already three months since Nino moved out, “I’m sorry about that.”

Ohno refused to look at Nino but he managed to catch a glimpse of Nino’s figure from the corner of his eyes. Nino was obviously thinner and paler than the last time they met. He wanted to ask, but his ego and his broken heart forbade him to do so.

Nino shifted on his feet uncomfortably then took his notebook that was left on the table. He turned on his heels and said, “Well then, I’m leaving. Be careful on your way home, Riida.”

Ohno just nodded to that.

*******

“You alright?” Sho asked for the twelfth time that day.

They were rehearsing and Nino wasn’t really on his best condition. He never was since months ago, actually, but that day it’s just worse.

“Just out of breath. I’m okay,” Nino assured. He sat down and pushed Sho away, “You get back to dance, I’ll join you again in a minute.”

“Don’t push yourself,” Sho said. He didn’t move, though, still worried sick because Nino seemed paler than ever.

“Leave him be, Sho kun. Don’t let a lazy ass slow us down!” Ohno’s voice came like a thunder. It made both Sho and Nino froze in shock. In all honesty, it was just rubbing salt over Ohno’s wound to see Nino so close to Sho. Or Aiba. Or Jun. But not him.

And of course, there’s no way to express his desperation better than being all bitter like that.

Sho was able to regain his being sooner than Nino and he was mad, “What the-”

Nino grinned awkwardly even though his heart was wrenched. He pulled Sho to calm the older down, “He’s right, Sho kun. Go.”

Ohno snorted a cynical laugh, “See, even the lazy ass recognized himself.”

“Ohno Satoshi!” Sho screamed. The weak hand that persistently held him back saved Ohno from possible outrage.

“What?! I’m just stating the truth. He’s been slowing us down for a while now. Probably he’s _tired_ of Arashi, like he’s _tired_ of anything else,” Ohno snapped and it became clear that he still couldn’t get over the breakup yet. He’s still mad, his pride was still hurt.

“What’s your problem, Oh chan?” Nino finally asked. He stood up, pushing Sho away to fully confront the love of his life that he had let slip away.

“You are. A lazy ass like you is my problem,” Ohno spitted out with a disgusted face.

It felt like suddenly Nino’s pain was multiplied by a million times. He was giving his best to keep dancing under his condition and yet he got called lazy ass in return.  
He gritted his teeth and gripped the seam of his pants to contain himself, “You, Ohno Satoshi, don’t know anything about me. You don’t have the right to call me a lazy ass as you please when you. Don’t. Know. A. Thing.”

“Oh, I know you. You’re the quitter who decides to end something just because you got _tired_ of it.”

That thing again. Nino knew it had nothing to do with the practice or even Arashi in general, it was just about him. And their relationship. And the end of it.

“Oh, cut the tears, Ninomiya! Just tell the president that you want to quit already! It’s your specialty, right?! Ending things one-sidedly,” Ohno grunted when he saw Nino’s eyes were already pooled with tears, “It’s not like we can’t go on without you. We’ll be just fine! I’ll be just fine! Just get lost already!”

Nino observed Ohno with tears streaming down his cheeks. It felt awful because he stayed - even though he was huffing and puffing all the time, trying to get the oxygen that he desperately needed - just so he could stay around Ohno, and now Ohno told him to get lost.

Like he was nothing. Like everything that happened between them was nothing.  
Nothing at all.

Then, it hit him.

What _exactly_ was he doing there?

He felt so pathetic, suddenly. His mind wandered to the past sixteen years and it pained him more than the illness did to him.

He felt silly. He felt like a fool.

He felt suffocated. All the love, all the struggle, all the fight that he had given and done - it was all coming to an end. He was approaching the finish line, knowing that he had gotten nothing at all.

He had failed. And he had given up.

He was unable to utter anything. He just threw a pained look to Ohno for the last time and took his bag, walking away as fast as he could.

Before he knew it, Nino was running while crying to himself and it felt excruciating. Agonizing.

The last thing that he heard before he saw black was a faint voice of someone screaming his name.

It was Ohno, but Nino would never figure it out.

*******

“You!” Sho cornered Ohno to the wall once Nino was admitted to the ICU. Jun was inside the ICU room and Aiba was pacing back and forth with worry painted on his face, “You jerk, what the hell have you done?!”

“I don’t know!” Ohno barked back. He was confused as hell and agitated since everyone seemed to know what was going on except him, “What happened to him?!”

Aiba fidgeted uncomfortably and considered to make an escape by saying that he would fetch some drinks, but he was too afraid to miss something out if he left.

“Do you know what’s happening? Do you guys hide something from me?!” Ohno continued to ask in high tension when Sho released him and looked away.

Somehow, Ohno sensed that something was terribly not right.

“Sho kun, answer, for God’s sake!”

Sho stayed silent. Aiba asked the Gods to wake him up - as if it was just an awful dream.

“Answer me!”

“Shut up, you don’t have the right to ask anything, you heartless dumbass!” Sho screamed and Aiba rushed to calm him down. They couldn’t afford being kicked out from the hospital. Sho hissed in a much lower tone through his gritted teeth, his hands clutching Ohno’s collar, “If anything - _anything_ \- happened to him, I will never forgive you. Remember that, you useless prick!”

“What. Happened. To. Him?!” Ohno challenged Sho’s threat. He stared straight to Sho’s eyes.

“He’s awake,” Jun emerged from behind the door, “Nino’s awake.”

The three men were alerted, rushing to the room.

Jun stopped one of them, “If you’re about to make a scene again-”

Ohno gulped down. As much as he hated to admit it, he knew he caused all this. And he knew that he was on the wrong side.  
So he pushed down his ego, calmed himself down, and finally nodded.

Nino was just figuring out what happened when his eyes caught his band-mates entering the hospital room. Slowly everything came back to him; that he was sick, that he was in rehearsal room, that the excruciating pain he felt only had a little to do with his illness, that fainting _again_ meant it’s time.

It’s time to _really_ give up.

But then, Ohno walked in. With his upset eyes and sported pout that Nino always found so cute. With his small built and strong arms. With memories. _Their_ memories.

And Nino felt it again. The surge of feelings that he knew would do him nothing but pain and another good round of torture.

Nino loved Ohno so much. So much that it killed him _almost_ literally.

So much that remembering Ohno’s voice telling him to get lost made him felt like a piece of junk.

With a struggle, Nino moved his oxygen mask away. He lifted his arm, pointing a finger at Ohno. Tears were definitely pooling up again.  
“I don’t want to see him,” he finally made his decision, “I don’t want to see him _ever_ again.”

*******

“C- can-,” Ohno wasn’t even capable of spelling the disease’s name to confirm it when he finally heard it from Jun. He had thrown a tantrum since Nino refused to see him again and Jun deemed it necessary to tell Ohno the truth.

He deserved at least an explanation, Jun had said.

Ohno’s world was crumbling down to ashes. His blood felt like it was drained out of his body. His anger was dissipated in an instant, drastically turned into shock and disbelief.  
“S- Since when?” Ohno asked, his gesture was all but calm.

“A year or so,” Jun answered. They were outside at the hospital’s garden.

“What?” Ohno gaped. They were still living together until several months ago, “Why did he hide it from me? Why did you?!”

“He didn’t really hide it from you,” Jun sighed, “He just didn’t tell you. Or any of us. We managed to find it out by ourselves- really, Riida, you didn’t realize it at all?!”  
Jun was a bit more than irritated.

Ohno looked down. He did notice that Nino’s cough was somewhat alarming and that Nino became annoyingly clingy in nights when he complained that his chest was hurt. He also noticed that Nino often slept restlessly.  
But he ignored them all. In fact, he yelled at Nino once because he thought Nino was being difficult.

He didn’t know that Nino was sick. No, he didn’t even _want_ to know.

What a jerk, he thought to himself.

“I- Oh, God,” Ohno buried his face to the palm of his hands.

“He made us promise to not tell you,” Jun added, “He said he’ll tell you himself if you ask, but I guess you didn’t.”

“I-”

“He was very sick, Riida. I can’t comprehend how you - who are not blind - could miss it. You lived with him, for God’s sake! Even Johnny san noticed it!” Jun started to show how mad he actually was to Ohno, “Do you even _care_ about him?!”

“I do! I do! I just-,” Ohno tried to find a reason but he can’t.

“Don’t think anything else but yourself is important, is that it?” Jun tried to help with a hint of fury. He sighed and stood up, visibly disappointed by Ohno, “You should introspect yourself, Riida. You’re not the center of the universe. I know you don’t mean it to be like this, but- look at him now. Look at Nino.”

Ohno was stung by Jun’s words. Probably Jun was right, he was too concerned about himself that he didn’t even aware how sick Nino was.

“He has done his portion of making your relationship works and much more than it, Riida. Don’t you think it’s your turn to do yours?” Jun sighed and walked away but then he stopped to say, “Though it’s probably already too late now.”

It hit Ohno so hard.

_Too late._

_Ohno gaped because everything was just too much to digest. He was egoistically upset because Nino broke him up one moment and on the next one, he learned that Nino was dying._

Now it’s Ohno who was crying.

*******

Ohno stared at the door, stealing a look inside the hospital room every once in a while. His heart was wrenching, his chest was aching. Guilt and desperation swarmed from his head to his toe. He really wanted to be next to Nino, but he wasn’t sure if he even had the right to do so. In the past 9 hours since his last conversation with Jun, Ohno had been retracing every moment that he shared with Nino and he felt like a total jerk for not knowing that Nino was sick when it was so obvious.

He was too egoist, too self-centric. So not worthy to have a man as kind and sincere as Nino to love him. To think that he yelled at Nino so rudely that morning, shouting shallow things just because his pride was hurt, made him ashamed of himself.

No. He was not just ashamed of himself. He was disappointed with himself. He was angry to himself. He despised himself.

“Riida, you should eat,” Aiba’s voice didn’t sound so cheerful when he nudged Ohno. He was with Nino all the time, but Jun just came back and they decided to take turn in accompanying Nino. Nino didn’t like crowd, anyway.

“No, I’m okay,” Ohno weakly said. How could he eat when Nino was there, lying helplessly? He had been missing out so much, he couldn’t leave. He just couldn’t.

“It’s not an offer, it’s a command,” Aiba said fiercely. From his face, anyone could tell that Aiba wasn’t messing around.

Ohno just stared at Aiba, considering what to do.

“Stop being so hard-headed, Ohno san. You should know by now it would _never_ give you any good,” Aiba half grunted, like his patience was running thin. It’s so rare that Aiba got that irritated. “Sitting here and weeping like a kid would never give anyone any good either.”

Ohno thought it over and he finally stood up. Aiba didn’t even bother to wait for Ohno, he walked rather quickly to the hospital’s cafeteria.

Even though Aiba was the one who insisted to go there, he only ordered a melon pan and a box of milk so Ohno did the same too. They sat on a secluded corner and did nothing but heaving deep sighs for some moments.

Aiba finally opened the melon pan wrapper but he didn’t eat it. He just looked at it, “Nino loves melon pan, do you even know that?”

Ohno stared at his own melon pan and nodded. At least he knew that. He also knew that Nino loves hamburger, but he started to wonder if it’s true. It seemed like he knew nothing about Nino now.

“He loves it, but he would give it to me if I say I’m hungry. He would say that he’s bored with it, he would say that he doesn’t like it, even. He might be not very fond of saying it out loud but that way I know he really cares about me. That’s- that’s _my_ Nino, Riida, and it’s just me, even, not you that he loves with everything that he has. He’d do _everything_ and he did.”

Ohno gulped down. He didn’t really know what Aiba was trying to say.

“He’s the most selfless person I’ve ever met even though he acts as if he’s a jerk. You think the breakup hurts you? Oh, I bet the pain that you felt is nothing compared to the one that he’s enduring. The breakup hurts him more than it hurts you, yet he still did it. It’s the best for _you_ , he said. All that he ever thinks on top of everything is you. You come first. Always.”

Ohno felt a dash of fondness and a flood of guilt running down his spine.

“He never kept secret from me, Ohno san,” Aiba was speaking formally, probably to stress that he was serious, “But he learned to, ever since I started to bug him that your relationship was not worthy to keep. He has given his all for the relationship; from approaching you, confessing to you, making us believe that everything will be alright, cleaning up after the mess you made when you fooled around with those chicks- For the love of God, Ohno Satoshi, it really seems like he’s the only one who wants this relationship to keep going while you don’t give a fuck about it. I told him to stop, he told me to fuck off. Ever since, he only told me when you made him happy. If he ever cried - which I’m sure he did so many times - he made sure none of us would know, and that’s how I found out that he’s _really_ in love with you.”

Ohno swore he loved Nino so much. Ohno swore he also wanted the relationship to keep on going, that’s the exact reason why he had thrown a tantrum since Nino broke him up. But when he revisited the memories, he couldn’t help but to agree with Aiba.

It was all Nino’s effort to keep everything going. Even when Ohno’s scandal was out, Nino wasn’t even mad. He was just sad. Ohno remembered it very clearly.

Nino’s love for him was so endless that he overlooked it. He already got used to all the kindness and all the selfless sacrifices that Nino had made, that he failed to appreciate it.

What an ungrateful jerk, Ohno thought to himself.

“It’s not that I hate you as a person, Riida, because I’m not. But-,” Aiba looked down, he broke into tears. His body was trembling so hard and his fingers were dug into the melon pan, “He loves you, Riida! He loves you _too_ much and he spent most of his life wondering if you love him back, yet too afraid to ask it. It breaks me to see him like this.”

“I love him too!” Ohno said, his tears didn’t stop him from confirming it, “I love him, he knows that!”

“Think about it again, Riida,” Aiba wiped his tears with the back of his hand, “When was the last time you _show_ him that you really love him? He has been struggling with insecurities ever since his father left him, you know that. When was the last time you make him _sure_ that you really love him?”

Ohno was dumbfounded by that. He bit his lower lip so hard that it bled.  
Was it true? Had Nino been in deep uncertainty, wondering if he loves Nino back? Had he shown Nino enough that he loved the younger so much?

No. Maybe he hadn’t. He hurt Nino over and over again, yet he didn’t even realize it.

Jun was right, he was too self-centric. Aiba was right, the relationship was not worthy to keep. No, _Ohno_ was not worthy to be kept by Nino.

“What should I do now?” Ohno was really close to sobbing.

“Are you sure you love him?” Aiba asked as if he was afraid that Ohno would fool him.

“I do,” Ohno answered because he really did.

“Then tell him,” Aiba pleaded, “Show him that you love him, Ohno san. Show him that you won’t take him for granted like you used to. I beg you, Riida. He’s giving up and I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to lose him. I don’t want to lose Nino.”

“But he doesn’t want to-”

“I’ll find a way. I’d do anything if it means giving his hope back. I just want him to keep on living,” Aiba assured, “But if you break his heart again, Ohno san, I swear to the Gods I’ll kill you with my own two hands.”

Ohno tried to even his breathings. He had to prove to Nino that he loved Nino with all of his heart. He had to seek for forgiveness from Nino. He had to get Nino back.

They left for Nino’s room after that, leaving two melon pans uneaten.

Just when Nino’s door was in sight, Sho emerged from it. His face was pale. He looked like he was shaken hard.

“Nino-,” Sho tried to talk.

“What happened, Sho chan?” Aiba asked. He was panic because Sho was too.

“Nino wants to go home. He said he.. wants to.. end this.”


	2. Chapter 2

“Nino,” Aiba called out. He timidly stepped inside and found his friend smiled weakly at him. Sho went to the doctor with Jun right after breaking the news and Aiba decided that they couldn’t waste any more time. He proceeded carefully into Nino’s room, “Someone wants to say something to you.”

Ohno emerged from the door, face guilty and unsure.

Nino abruptly opened his oxygen mask. He shot a betrayed look at Aiba, “What’s this?!”

“Just a moment, Nino,” Aiba begged, “Just a few seconds and you might reconsider your decision of giving up.”

“No, Masaki,” Nino tried to make himself clear. Deep inside, he was a mess. Just being in the same room as Ohno already sent him to an emotional limbo.

He had made his decision clear, at least to Sho; he wanted to go home, ending everything without all these cables and equipment bothering him. He just wanted to be in a familiar place - even though his new and barely touched house wasn’t exactly familiar to him too but at least, what was inside it was familiar. All the photos, the scents.. All the little things that he brought from his shared space with Ohno.

“Nino, please,” Ohno’s voice was reaching Nino’s ears and it’s the exact definition of familiar.

Nino tried to act tough, he had always been trying to be. But just by hearing that voice, he already fell into a crying mess again. His heart was bleeding by all the love that he had.

“Nino, I know I’ve been a jerk,” Ohno tried.

Nino sobbed. He refused to look at Ohno. All the flutters in his heart couldn’t be a good sign. Ohno was still so, so, _so_ dear to him that he was tempted to just give in once again and fight. But he already had enough of that. He had had enough of fighting for something that he could _never_ win.  
He then shot a pleading gaze to Aiba and croaked, “Masaki, please.”

“Nino,” Ohno slowly stepped closer to Nino. He was giving his all to hold back his tears. Seeing Nino in such deep pain and knowing that he was the reason why made him felt like crumbling down and giving up on life. But he had to be strong. He had let Nino bear the weight of their relationship alone for all those years, now it’s his turn.

“Please, Masaki,” Nino begged to Aiba. His whole body was shaking hard, like he was enduring an excruciating torture and well, maybe he was, “I can’t anymore. Please.”

Ohno started to doubt that he could be Nino’s source of hope. He began to think that maybe he’s the reason why Nino wanted to give up instead. The way Nino writhed like he was some kind of monster that walked to his room gave a harrowing stab to Ohno’s heart.

Little did Ohno know that Nino was avoiding him because he’s the only thing that made Nino wanted to live. Because he’s the only one who might make Nino change his decision. Because he’s the only one that could make Nino want to walk through all the pain and sorrow all over again.

Aiba stormed out to seek for the nurse and Ohno turned into statue when all the monitors went frantic and Nino gasped for air before falling into unconsciousness.

*******

Sho had thrown a tantrum since he heard that Ohno came and Nino went into critical state. He and Jun were still discussing about what to do by then and they had no idea that Aiba took Ohno to Nino’s room. Jun interrogated Aiba and scolded him for doing something that they all hadn’t agreed on yet.

Aiba said he just wanted to do anything that might help Nino, Sho said they all did.  
They just had to be careful on picking their actions. They were walking on a thin, thin thread, there was no space for trial and error.

While the three were arguing because they didn’t know any other way to release the stress, Ohno pondered by himself. Nino was stubborn when he wanted to, Ohno knew it by heart, but it didn’t mean they had no chance in negotiating.

He clenched and unclenched his fist. An idea came across his mind but he wasn’t sure about it. He wasn’t sure it could get through and, most importantly, he wasn’t sure if _he_ could endure it.

But, thinking about enduring things, Ohno’s brain slowly registered everything that Nino had had to endure. From the illness and from their relationship. Nino had endured so much and Ohno had never seen him complained about it. Not even once.

Probably this was the time to show that he could, at least, take part too. That he _would_. That Nino wasn’t the only one who’s willing to sacrifice.

Ohno was never good in taking big decisions. He always had his parents or Nino or Arashi in general to help him. But now, he knew it’s time for him to be a proper adult and take hold of his own life. And also his dearest one’s, the one that should have been his responsibility since he took Nino’s hands in his years and years ago.  
Finally, he stood up and said, “He needs the chemo.”

Sho rolled his eyes sarcastically, “Like we don’t know about that yet.”

Jun gave a more helpful reply, “We need his consent. He’s not giving any.”

“He will,” Ohno said and he took a deep breath, “Just tell him I’ll keep coming if he won’t.”  
At least Ohno knew this kind of arrangement might work for Nino. Judging by the way Nino reacted when he looked at Ohno, Ohno took it as their best shot.

The three men stared at their leader, trying to digest it. Jun was the first to make an expression which was a mix of hope and doubt.

Then, Ohno wavered, thinking that maybe his existence - or the lack of it - wasn’t that mattered in Nino’s life. He had thought of himself so high, like the world was revolving around him, and now he realized it was _not_. So, he added, “And- and I’ll tell his mother too about this if he refuses. And his sister, too. And the fans, even.”

“He’ll hate you even more,” Sho said, not to make Ohno revised his plan, but to make sure Ohno knew the consequences.

And of course, Ohno had taken it into account, “I prefer having him hating me to the bones than not having him at all.”

“You have to keep your part of bargain if this is happening,” Jun gave the final chance for Ohno to quit.

His heart felt heavy but he bore with it anyway. He kept his head up, thinking that Aiba was right; being a weeping bundle of mess won’t do anyone any good, “Yeah, I will. Anything to make him better. _Anything_.”

Aiba shot a hopeful gaze to everyone, “This might do.”

Sho shot a glance to Ohno once before he went to the doctor’s room with Jun, “This _have_ to do.”

*******

“I’m dying anyway, you guys know that,” Nino grumbled but he took the paper anyway.

Ohno was right, Nino opted to endure the chemo when he was given the choices. Looking at Nino signing the paper from the door’s window gave mixed feelings to Ohno. He felt relieved; at least they’re doing something. He felt hurt; the fact that Nino would prefer anything than meeting him was not an easy thing to swallow.  
He smiled faintly nevertheless. Nino’s health was the only thing that mattered, he reminded himself.

Right after giving the paper back to Sho, Nino stole one quick glance to the door. He looked so upset when he said, “There, you have my signature. Now, please, tell him to get lost,” but he’s actually just eager to get rid the only thing that might interrupt his plan of peaceful last days. He could handle Jun’s rant, Sho’s worry, or even Aiba’s sobs. He had expected teary nights over the absence of Ohno because he wouldn’t fool anyone, he’s still so much into that guy. But having the real Ohno around? No, he couldn’t handle it anymore. The waves and tides of feelings would make everything messy and emotional and dramatic and it’s not what peaceful meant in his mind.

When Sho was turning to him, Ohno just waved a dismissal wave to him. Ohno didn’t need to be told about it. He understood even though he couldn’t hear a thing. With all of the sincerity he had in his life, he shot a soft smile to Nino and nodded once before taking his leave.  
He could ask for update from Aiba later, he assured himself internally. He could see Nino again later when everything’s brighter and better, hopefully. Then, he could atone for his sins; fighting for Nino’s love once again, proving that he was a jerk but he could change into someone who deserves Nino.

Ohno swung his feet absentmindedly. His heart became more and more broken in every step. His smile dissipated into thin air. His phone buzzed, Aiba was calling, but he didn’t have any power left to communicate with anyone. He didn’t want the feeling of being pitied either. He just wanted to go home. _Their_ home.

The moment he stepped inside the apartment, where no one could see him anymore, he finally broke down. All of his defenses crumbled down into ashes. He took the right decision, he believed, but that exact decision killed him inside out. He had resolved to not cry, but apparently it’s an impossible thing.

He wanted to be with Nino. To hold Nino’s stubby fingers, to sweep Nino’s soft hair, to gain strength from Nino.  
Because whatever the condition, it’s always Nino who gave power for both of them.

“Tadaima,” he mumbled as if Nino was there, waiting for him, and there was no reply. There was only silence greeted him like a best buddy.

The apartment wasn’t that tidy anymore ever since Nino left. Not that Ohno was a messy person, but it was just not as well kept as when Nino was around. Paint brushes here and there, empty cans of beers lined up next to the couch, dirty dishes piling up. There’s no tasty scent lingering in the air too - there hadn’t been any for months actually.

To be honest, Ohno had realized the significance of Nino’s presence for him since a month or two before then. When his anger had receded and he could feel how cold his nights were without Nino and when he noticed how much he depended on Nino before. The messed up schedule, the forgotten meals, the not-prepared baths...

Ohno had realized how Nino was like air and clothes and foods and water and everything essential in his life. All the things that he needed to keep on living, all the things that he never looked twice to give his gratitude.  
All the things that he thought was natural to be there for him, all the things that he was sure would _always_ be there for him. And maybe it was true, except for Nino. Nino left him and he didn’t really know how to handle that.

He missed Nino. He needed Nino.  
Unfortunately, he acted like a jerk to show it.

Ohno had taken Nino for granted for too long and it took a fainted Nino to give him realization upon it.

Ohno fell to his knees and he just realized how his body was trembling and how wet his eyes were. He was crying. He was extremely close to wailing.

He cried his heart out in the middle of his living room and he fell asleep out of exhaustion. Spent and missing Nino to the bits.

*******

When Ohno opened his eyes and saw Sho was squatting next to him, he didn’t know if it’s real or not. He was on the floor, clutching to the blanket that he used to share with Nino. He had searched around the apartment and he couldn’t find anything that belonged to Nino, it was as if Nino was erasing himself from Ohno’s life completely.

“Stand up, Ohno Satoshi,” Sho held out a hand. His tone was still stern but it was so much less offensive than before. At least he was not fuming mad.

“How’s Nino?” Ohno had asked this question on his once-in-an-hour calls to Aiba, but he still asked it again anyway. No one could blame him, since Nino’s condition was so unstable to say the least.

Sho pulled Ohno upwards. Ohno limped and he sighed. Not a disappointed sigh, but a concerned sigh, “Now it looks like he’s better than you.”

Ohno was convinced that Sho had calmed down enough by now. He could see that Sho was changing back to his usual self; his best friend, his wingman. Probably the fact that they’re finally doing something to Nino did it, “The chemo..”

“It’s scheduled,” Sho informed. His tone was one of relief, “He’s better enough to endure it now.”

Ohno gripped Sho’s hand because his brain had worked hard to estimate various possible outputs of everything and the worst possibility still got him terrified, “He will be alright after it, right?”

Sho didn’t answer it but asked another question instead, “When was the last time you ate?”

Now it’s Ohno’s turn to not answer the question.

Sho huffed, knowing that Ohno wouldn’t answer if he didn’t, “His chance is better with the chemo but we still don’t know how great it would help.”

Ohno’s grip to Sho tightened for a moment. His body became rigid and his eyes turned glassy once again. Then, after he overcame the urge to breakdown and wail again, he gave his answer to Sho, “I ate melon pan with Aiba chan.”

Sho, being the attentive man that he was, of course knew what that meant and massaged his temple, “It’s two days ago, Ohno kun.”

Ohno stayed silent. He just fidgeted on his feet. He didn’t feel like eating, really. Not when he wasn’t sure if Nino was alright. Not when the kitchen was full of what’s remained from Nino’s dishes that made him feel worse. Made him feel guiltier.

Nino was thoughtful enough to cook him enough food for weeks even though Nino was leaving, even though he was yelling at Nino and being a complete pain in the ass. Nino even kept restocking those delicious foods that were his favorite after they broke up - probably using the spare key when he was not around. Ohno just realized this because, come to think about it now, his food seemed to be unlimited. It must have been Nino, because there’s no way Ohno could mistake the taste that he had been feasting on for years and years. Nino had been taking care of him secretly even though they were not together anymore; doing all those things without expecting any kind of acknowledgment let alone gratitude. What else could scream unconditional love louder than that?

“You’re really a mess without him, aren’t you? You should have showed him if you care about him this much,” Sho gave him a look that indicating that he knew, that he finally understood what was happening inside Ohno’s head but still slightly disappointed of what was done, “You should have showed him if he matters to you this much.”

Ohno looked down to his feet. He was stupid, he didn’t need Sho to tell him that; he already knew. He learned it the hard way.

Sho gazed at Ohno. More with pity than anger this time. He patted Ohno on the shoulder then made his way around the apartment, snatching a few of Ohno’s clothes, Ohno’s cellphone, and Ohno’s wallet. Then, he gave them all to Ohno and pulled Ohno outside.

Ohno was confused.

“We only promised him that he wouldn’t _see_ you again,” Sho explained without being asked, “It’s not violating the bargain if you’re there and not seen by him.”

Ohno was stunned.

“I can’t handle seeing two of my best friends in such great pain. One is already too much. What you’ve done for him was.. great, anyway.”

And they left to the hospital once again.

*******

Ohno figured that during his short absence, the rest of Arashi - save from Nino - had discussed much; about Nino, about Ohno, and about Arashi in general. The moment they arrived to the hospital, Sho left again to attend a meeting in the jimusho - they had decided that Sho would handle the management side. Jun would handle the press, that’s why he had his phone with him all the time on his right hand and a schedule full of conferences on his left. While Aiba would mostly stay at hospital, accompanying both Nino and Ohno. Not because Aiba was not capable in handling things, but because everyone knew Aiba was the closest to Nino. After Ohno, of course.

They also decided that it was best to let Ohno stay beside Nino. They didn’t really tell why, but from the secretive way they looked to each other’s eyes, Ohno knew it wasn’t only for Nino.  
Everything was planned carefully; they would smuggle Ohno inside whenever it’s possible - when Nino was sleeping, mostly - and let Ohno sit on a chair that was hidden behind the bed’s curtain. They were lucky that Nino never bothered about the curtain, so they would be safe as long as Ohno was able to keep quiet.

And Ohno was, at the very least, absolutely grateful about all this arrangement. After the meal that Jun had made him promise to finish, Aiba let him in and he took his seat, sealing his mouth shut the moment he stepped in.

Ohno’s heart jumped when after twenty minutes or so, he heard Nino’s voice from behind the curtain.

“Hey, Aiba san,” Nino called Aiba weakly.

“Hey,” Aiba smiled and answered. He was sitting on a chair next to the bed, grabbing Nino’s hand close to his face.

“You’re here? Don’t you have anywhere else to be?” there’s a hint of his usual cheekiness there and it made Ohno’s heart did funny things.

“It’s my free day today,” Aiba chuckled.

“It’s your free day too yesterday and the day before. I envy you, I’ve never had that many free days since my mother tempted me with that 5000 yen,” Nino teased. Aiba and Ohno could hear how hard Nino was trying to sound like nothing was wrong. Like he wasn’t on a hospital bed, connected to countless life supporting equipment.

Ohno smiled, and he was sure that Aiba did too. It’s always heartwarming to know that Nino would never let anyone worry over him. It’s assuring that Nino was still their Nino, despite the short breaths and annoying beeping sounds from the heart monitor.

But then, Nino added, “I’m sorry, ne, Masaki.”

“Hm?”

“For making you have this many free days,” Nino continued, showing that he felt guilty in the most subtle way.

Actually Nino wanted to cry, wanted to tell Aiba to go away and continue with his life, but he couldn’t. He needed Aiba. He needed someone to hold on to, now that he could sense that his life was inching away from his body. So he just apologized because it’s the only thing that he could do.

For once, Nino felt grateful that his band-mates somehow figured that he was sick because if they didn’t, he would be all alone right now. Alone and miserable, counting down the days until his last. Nino used to think that it would be just okay but now that he’s already on his deathbed, he felt the urge to just curl up to his mother and cry.  
But he couldn’t do that because he didn’t want to hurt his mother by leaving her slowly, in the most ungraceful way. It would just be too cruel, to force his mother to walk through all that with him.

Aiba bit his lips and stayed still because he didn’t want to cry in front of Nino. He just nodded, indicating that it was okay and that Nino shouldn’t think about it.

Nino patted Aiba’s head because he could feel how hard his best friend was trying to swallow down all the feelings. It was hard for him too.

Then, a faint scent tickled Nino’s nose and he wondered if his brain was playing tricks with him because he could smell Ohno. His thin fingers stopped on Aiba’s cheek as he tried to figure it out, sniffing ever so slightly because it’s already hard for him to just breathe. When he realized that he still could smell it on the air, he shook his head, telling himself to stop fantasizing things.

To stop thinking about Ohno so persistently. Insistently. Unrelentingly.

“What’s the matter?” Aiba asked.

Nino just smiled, “No. Nothing.”

But Aiba had already been his friends since he was still a teenager, Aiba knew when he was lying.

Nino sighed and gave up pretending, “Where’s he?”

Ohno jolted on his seat. Everyone in that room knew who this _he_ was. It was him.

Aiba avoided Nino’s eyes by taking out his phone, “I don’t know, but I can ask if you want to know.”

Nino gave his bitter smile out and gripped Aiba’s hand, “You don’t need to,” then, he turned his face away from Aiba and closed his eyes because it hurt so much, “He’s probably out on the sea now, fishing or something.”

Aiba scrambled to reach for Nino’s face and pulled it so Nino was facing him once again. He cupped Nino’s cheeks and stared right to Nino’s eyes. There, on those hazel eyes, was written all the sadness that Nino wrapped so tightly so no one could ever fathom it.

But for now, it leaked. Aiba could feel it; all the despair, all the muted screams that Nino hid from everyone including himself.

Even Ohno, behind the curtain, could feel it. He gripped his chair, he bit his lip, he clenched his body to contain all the emotion that was overflowing. He wanted to run to Nino right then, telling him that he was there. Worrying about Nino. Longing for Nino. Loving Nino like he always did but never showed properly.

Ohno was not on the sea, fishing and not minding about Nino. He was there, right next to Nino, refraining himself from exploding by all the guilt and worry that he felt.

“He cares about you, we all do,” Aiba assured Nino but it was him who was crying.

Ohno nodded even though he couldn’t be seen. Oh, how he wanted Nino to understand that.

“Don’t, Masaki,” Nino finally teared up, seeing Aiba cry made him weak, “Don’t sugarcoat it for me. I don’t like sweets, he does,” he tried to joke despite the rolling tears.

It might sound silly but hearing his preferences spilled from Nino’s mouth in this situation like it’s the only thing that was always on Nino’s mind naturally made Ohno’s insides churned. He realized that he never paid enough attention to Nino, he realized that if he looked close enough he would notice that every single thing that Nino did shows how much Nino loved him and cared about him.

“No, Nino, I don’t. You should know how much you’re loved. You always think last of yourself but you have to know that we don’t do the same. You’re precious for us, Nino. We _need_ you,” Aiba exploded. He couldn’t stand seeing Nino like this; thinking that he’s the least thing mattered in the whole universe. Thinking that everyone would be better if he just leave - no fighting, no struggling.

Nino stared at Aiba and he felt the warmth of every single word that Aiba said seeped into his heart. He placed his palm on Aiba’s cheek, letting the older catch his breath because Aiba was sobbing hard.

When Aiba had calmed down slightly, Nino patted Aiba’s cheek and smiled in between his own tears, “Thank you, Masaki.”

Aiba just looked back at Nino, didn’t know what Nino was thanking for. He wiped his tears with the back of his hand and slapped himself mentally for breaking down in front of Nino when he had vowed not to.

Nino swallowed before he continued because there’s a big lump in his throat that prevented him from saying a thing. He was still crying, but he didn’t care anymore. He wiped Aiba’s tears and said, “Thank you for being the only one who cry for me.”

And it was like the world decided to put its weight on the tiny point of Ohno’s heart. Hearing it from someone else was one thing, but hearing how Nino was in deep pain, how Nino really wasn’t aware of what he’s worth, and how Nino thought that no one loved him enough straight from Nino himself was a very painful experience.  
Ohno folded his knees up on his chair, hugging them and biting them to stay silent.

“Come here,” Nino moved a bit and pulled Aiba up to his bed.

Aiba obeyed, snuggling close to Nino and wrapped the slighter into his tight embrace. He was shaking hard. He wanted to say something but he just wasn’t able too.

Nino laughed a bit despite his tears, “Look at us. It’s 2002 all over again, Masaki.”

Aiba nodded, remembering the warmth that Nino shared with him through all those nights when he was hospitalized, “And 2011, too. Don’t forget 2011.”

Nino chuckled to that. Then, he stopped and said to the crook of Aiba’s neck, “But this time, everyone will end up on a funeral.”

“Nino, don’t,” Aiba protested. A squeak of restrained sob was emitted from his throat.

“ _My_ funeral,” Nino ignored Aiba and continued to cry to Aiba’s chest, feeling utter loneliness after he said the words.

He didn’t even aware that just a few centimeters away from him, Ohno was curling up on a chair, crying the life out of himself in silent. For Nino. His Nino. His dearest Nino.


	3. Chapter 3

Ohno couldn’t sleep. No, he didn’t _want_ to sleep. Now that he paid real attention, now that he put Nino first like Nino had put him first, he realized that he had been missing out so much about Nino.  
  
He missed the fact that Nino had trouble in sleeping. Probably Nino had pretended to fall asleep when they were still together so Ohno wouldn’t be bothered. Or probably Ohno just failed to notice it because he was ignorant as hell. Because he was selfish like shit.  
  
He missed the way Nino wheezed every once in a while. And, really, it sounded so painful that Ohno wished he could do the breathing for both of them.  
  
He missed the change in Nino’s voice. It’s so hoarse now, Ohno had no idea when the change had been started.  
  
Ohno cringed when he imagined how hard it must’ve been for Nino in those last days of their relationship. How harsh and heartbreaking it must’ve been. Ohno wondered; did Nino cry at nights, hoping that Ohno would notice something but slept like a log instead? Did Nino try to tell him with his eyes or his subtle hints? Did Nino want to scream - want to slap Ohno hard for being so oblivious about everything?  
  
Maybe. Maybe he did. And on top of it all, he still fulfilled his duty as Ohno’s partner perfectly, making Ohno his priority.  
  
There was a sudden rustling voice came from Nino’s bed that dragged Ohno out of his swirling thoughts. Ohno thought Nino was having a restless night again, but what happened next startled him to no ends.  
  
“Oh chan,” Nino called out loud and clear, tearing the agonizing silence apart.  
  
Ohno froze in his place and tried to figure out what to do. Nino was supposed to _not_ know about his presence.  
  
“Oh chan,” Nino called out again. His voice was a little bit wavering this time. Trembling. Croaked.  
  
Ohno gripped his chair tight. His heart was racing so fast. He kind of hoped that this meant he could see his Nino again.  
  
There’s a sniffle before Nino emitted a restrained sob, “Oh chan.. _Oh chan.._ ”  
  
Then Ohno realized that Nino wasn’t sleeping at all. There’s no sleepiness in that hoarse voice. There’s only sadness. And despair. And hopelessness. There’s also an intense longing feeling. It was like Nino was waiting for this time to come to finally break down and do whatever he was about to do.  
  
Ohno could hear how Nino forced himself to stop sobbing and try to continue talking, “Oh chan, I-”  
He choked on his words and began to bawl, losing control of himself.  
  
Ohno stayed where he was. He really wanted to open the curtain and haul Nino to his arms but he wasn’t sure that Nino had found out about him.  
  
Then a click and a beep confirmed what Ohno had doubted.  
  
“Oh God, I’m suck at this,” Nino snorted a self-pitying laugh despite the sob. A thud indicated that he had thrown the device that he had been holding.  
  
Nino was recording himself using his cellphone. He was trying to leave a message for Ohno.  
  
Ohno forbade himself from thinking further about why Nino needed to leave a recorded message for him. Instead, Ohno opened his ears more, listening to the growing sobs and the upset punches to the bed.  
  
Nino was upset with himself because he couldn’t hold himself from crying and Ohno really wanted to scold him for that. Because it was not Nino’s fault at all. It was all Ohno’s.  
  
Everything was Ohno’s fault. Even the fact that Nino was sobbing. Even the fact that Nino couldn’t record the message because he couldn’t bring himself to speak. Even the fact that Nino had to hug his knees right now, not Ohno who was just inches away from him. Everything - _everything_ \- was Ohno’s fault from the start. Nino had never been wrong. _Never_.  
  
Ohno bit his bottom lip until it bled. Every sob that came out from Nino resonated in his heart and rippled through his body.  
  
“Oh chan, Oh ch-” Nino tried again but his cry became harder instead. His stream of tears was unstoppable and his breath started to hitch.  
  
Nino wailed. He became so close to hysterical but he insisted to reach for his cellphone again and keep trying. The try and fail cycle kept repeating until the dawn was just around the corner. Ohno was crying too by then and he was sure Nino was already so spent. But Nino kept on trying and kept on crying like he just lost Ohno forever and at some point, he started to lose the ability of breathing.  
  
From the silhouette, Ohno could tell that Nino was clutching his chest. From the sound of it, Ohno could tell that Nino wasn’t just sobbing anymore; he was hyperventilating and it sounded so painful that Ohno started to panic.  
  
Nino was wheezing so hard and he was stubborn enough to not push the button. He tried to even out his own breathing but, of course, he failed. With all the tears and all the emotions, it was just simply impossible to recover by himself.  
  
In a matter of seconds, fear crept inside Ohno. He was so afraid that the wheezing would suddenly stop and then nothing. No wheezing, no hitched breaths,  
  
_No Nino._  
  
He was so, so afraid that his mind went blank and he started to hyperventilate himself. His trembling hand struggled to operate his cellphone to make a call and when Jun finally answered, he couldn’t manage to say anything.  
  
The mix of panic and being mute for hours and hours did him so bad. Luckily, Jun was fast to catch up. Not two minutes after, Jun rushed inside and pushed every button he could lay his finger on, holding Nino tight to himself while doing so.  
  
“Nino, Nino, breathe,” Jun said. His hand moved up and down along Nino’s back, “I got you, I got you. Breathe, Nino, please.”  
  
The curtain was slightly opened somewhere along Jun’s hectic entrance and Ohno just stood there, staring at Nino for the first time since a couple of days despite the short distance.  
  
Nino was, at the very least, worrisome. His face was wet by his own tears and his lips were blue. His limbs were limp and his chest was heaving up and down in a frantic pace.  
  
Ohno’s being was failing to function. He just stared and stared in horror until Sho came in with nurses and doctor and pulled him away.  
  
“No- Nino,” it felt weird when finally Ohno spoke and his voice was so small and dilated. His eyes zeroed at Nino and he anchored himself to his place. Fuck being found out, Nino was fighting for air and he looked like he was losing - it was all that mattered for him.  
  
“Come on, Ohno kun,” Sho hissed.  
  
“No- Nino! _Nino_!” Ohno wasn’t capable of saying anything but Nino’s name.  
  
Finally, Sho opted to shove Ohno back to his chair and close the curtain. He stayed right beside Ohno, holding the older’s hand while craning his neck so he could still see Nino. He put his index finger on his lips; it was still not too late to keep Ohno hidden.  
  
When the doctor tried to check Nino’s vitals, Nino refused to let go of Jun. He broke down to pieces, crying so loud on Jun’s chest. He was drowned in his overflowing emotion. The lack of oxygen didn’t help, too.  
  
“Oh chan- Jun, _Oh chan_ -,” Nino wailed.  
  
The nurses tried to make Nino lie down but Nino’s grip on Jun was too tight. As the last resort, the doctor injected a mild tranquilizer to Nino and put the oxygen mask on him. Nino’s scream wavered out in seconds and his muscles relaxed down, leaving Jun to support his weight.  
  
The doctor let Jun keep the position. He checked what he needed to check and gestured to the nurses that it’s alright already.  
  
“He’s depressed and it’s worsening his condition drastically,” the doctor sighed, “We have to do the chemo sooner than we-”  
  
“Do it,” Sho firmly decided, he stepped forward just enough for the doctor to see him but he didn’t let Ohno’s hand go, “In fact- just do it now. Save him!”  
  
“We have to check some things first. Meanwhile, make sure that he’s at peace of mind,” the doctor, taking it as an assent, began to move.  
  
Jun ran his hand up and down Nino’s spine. He could sense little movements indicating that despite the tranquilizer, Nino was still sobbing his heart out. It was no joke that Nino was nowhere near peaceful. Jun finally nodded as he silently swore to himself that he would watch over Nino more closely this time.  
  
The doctor bowed a little and left the room.  
  
“Oh chan, J,” Nino’s voice was muffled and weak.  
  
“Hush, hush, Nino,” Jun hugged Nino tight and rocked Nino’s body back and forth. A part of him wanted to just drag Ohno to the spotlight but the other part of him, the logical one, told him that it would be a very wrong thing to do.  
  
Sho stayed beside Ohno, sensing that he would be needed there more than he would be needed on Nino’s side. Ohno’s hand was still gripping his tight and by the soft sound that Ohno made, Sho knew that their leader was doing not much better than Nino.  
  
Both of them were so messed up and wounded. So pained and tortured. So sad and wilting in so many ways that it took their lives out of their beings in both literal and figurative meaning.  
  
Nino croaked again in the brink of his unconsciousness, “I miss him. I miss Oh chan. I miss him so, so, _so_ bad. I miss him, J, I miss _him_.”  
  
And it became clear that all along, Nino was just acting though in front all of them. Deep inside, Nino was suffering from his own decision of not seeing Ohno again. Deep inside, Nino was longing for Ohno. He was thirsty for Ohno’s presence. He was dying from missing Ohno more than from his actual disease.  
  
Nino didn’t stop calling Ohno’s name and Jun didn’t stop rocking both Nino and himself. Jun was crying too, even though there’s no way that Nino could be aware of it. It was just too overwhelming - the flood of feelings that Nino conveyed in those sobs and weak pleads.  
  
Behind the curtain, Sho took Ohno in his embrace, muffling Ohno’s cry to his chest. While Nino passed out due to the tranquilizer’s effect soon after that, Ohno passed out half an hour later due to all the guilt and sadness that he had to bear.  
  
*******  
  
“Nino,” Jun said softly when finally Nino became conscious again. Jun held Nino’s hand all along, determined that this time he would not run away and confront Nino with the thing that bugged him all along. He didn’t budge even when Sho had to carry Ohno out on his shoulders. He also didn’t budge when Ohno fought his way back to behind the curtain, IV drip attached and all.  
  
“J,” Nino blinked and held his head, “What happened?”  
  
Jun didn’t answer. Maybe Nino forgot everything, maybe Nino was just acting, or maybe Nino just hadn’t woken up completely yet. Either way, Jun was not going to be the one who brought the subject first. He waited for Nino to do just that.  
  
“I feel like crap,” Nino weakly grinned under his pained expression. Apparently, he had put his mask on again. But in a few seconds, as his eyes became clearer, Jun noticed a slight change on Nino’s overall expression.  
  
It all came back to Nino in a storm of memory fragments. Jun could see it as every episode that happened streamed back to Nino’s brain. There was a mix of embarrassment, awkwardness, and despair swarmed in the air.  
  
“I can’t believe you stayed even though I told you to go home,” Nino decided to take that route - to rub around the subject but not discussing about the most important thing, “And Sho kun too. I’m not a three years old, I can manage.”  
  
“Apparently you _can’t_ ,” Jun answered just for the sake of pointing that out. Then, he refused to beat around the bush any longer, “Nino, you miss him.”  
  
Nino averted his gaze, “I don’t-”  
  
“Don’t lie to me anymore!” Jun shouted because he was hurt. He had enough of Nino playing this scenario of him not wanting Ohno - not needing Ohno - when the actuality was he couldn’t go any further without that exact man who was, at that moment, pathetically gripping to his IV drip behind the curtain.  
  
“-want to talk about it,” Nino finished his sentence through Jun’s outburst. He repeated just to make sure Jun heard it clearly, “I don’t want to talk about it.”  
  
Jun pulled Nino’s hand towards him and leaned his body closer to Nino - a proof that he’s getting impatient. All along, Jun had kept his distance from Nino - with dealing with the press and all - in order to keep himself from breaking down in front of Nino and to respect Nino’s decisions. But he had his limit too, “Why, Nino? You miss him and he misses you, why do you have to torture everyone by doing things like this?!”  
  
For a moment, Nino’s pupils were dilated and he went frozen in his bed. Then, he smiled faintly, “It’s better this way; separating before getting separated.”  
  
That was the very thing that Jun didn’t want to hear, “You don’t have to be separated. You don’t know yet-”  
  
“I _want_ to be separated.”  
  
Jun opened his mouth and then closed it again, at loss of what to say. There was a million and one things flooding his head. He couldn’t get it - why Nino had to do this.  
  
“Is this for him too? For his sake too?” Jun asked and Ohno jerked up in alarm.  
  
Nino heaved a sigh, “Lingering will only make it more unbearable, Jun,” he said and it was reflected in his eyes that if he could, he would never choose this too.  
  
“Then let it be! Let him bear it, I don’t care. What’s the point of this, exactly?! It’s just making you sad. It’s making _him_ sad. And why are you being so pessimistic, talking like you’ll die when me- when Masaki- when Sho kun tried so hard to keep you alive?! And even if- even if- even if it will be harder for him than for the rest of us come the worst thing happen, then I don’t care too. It’s his turn to take the pain for the sake of you. Because I can’t see you suffer like this, Nino. Not anymore. I’ve seen enough of it. Let him take the pain now, if it’s necessary. I know he can. I know he can,” Jun finally lost it. He had succeeded not shedding even a tear in front of Nino but right then, he lost it. He just couldn’t get it. He didn’t understand.  
  
“But _I_ can’t,” Nino closed his eyes to prevent himself from crying again but he failed, “It’s not for his sake. It’s for me. It’s always been for me.”  
  
Jun lifted his head because he didn’t expect it. Ohno did, too, and he almost yanked his IV drip off.  
  
“I’m tired, Jun. I’m tired of making us - me and him - work. I’m tired of acting as if everything is fine. I’m tired of closing my eyes and covering my ears. I’m tired of pretending that he loves me,” Nino trembled, “But I kept doing it like a fool that I am. Not for him, Jun, because probably he doesn’t even care about this at all, but for _me_. Because I _need_ it. Because I need the relationship to work. Because I need everything to be fine. Because I need to be blinded from the fact that tells me otherwise. Because I need him to- to- to _love_ me even though I know I’m fooling myself by believing in that.”  
  
“He loves you,” Jun cupped his hand on Nino’s cheek and shook Nino a bit, “He loves you so, _so_ much. He is just- too stupid and too daft. Don’t you remember, Nino? How he takes you in his arms and how he- he- kisses you? How he tells you that you’re his precious one?”  
  
“To be honest, I barely remember it,” Nino was smiling but it was the most bitter thing Jun had ever seen, “I treasure the very memory so much but still, it wears off. You have no idea how many times I have to imagine it because the more I look at it the more I realize that it’s _not_ there anymore? The way he looks at me, the way he talks to me, the way he speaks love in his touches?”  
  
Ohno shivered because it made him realized how brief the moment he cherished his Nino was. How brisk he was in advancing; from the lovey-dovey phase to the damned stability, behaving like it was just natural to have Nino. How rare it was for him to show his love. How longing Nino was for those proves of affection.  
  
“And even if I believe in that, it’s too late now,” Nino continued, “I know my time is up, Jun. I know my body- _you_ know I know. It’s always you who told me to stop when I have my backache, even when I know I still can do more. And now, now even I know it’s time for me to stop.”  
  
In all honesty, Jun also knew it. But for this case, Jun didn’t want to accept it as it was. He refused to admit it.  
  
“No, Nino, you still can,” Jun’s nails were digging into Nino’s skin. Not that he wanted to hurt Nino, but he had already lost his control over himself.  
  
“I’ve had enough of fighting a losing fight. This one, too, is a losing fight. And- and- about why I decided that I won’t see him again is because- because the hardest part of losing this fight is _not_ dying,” Nino’s tears rolled down his cheeks, “The hardest part is accepting that I won’t be able to do anything to get him again. I won’t be able to pretend, to stubbornly think that it would finally work out between me and him. The hardest part is letting him go.”  
  
Ohno forgot how to breathe. Ohno forgot how to do anything at all. There, looking at the possibility of dying, Nino was still thinking of getting him back. When Ohno was already Nino’s all along. It was just because Ohno was a total jerk that Nino doubted it - that Nino didn’t know better about it. That Nino had to feel all the pain.  
  
If only Ohno was a better boyfriend. If only Ohno showed to Nino better that he loved Nino too, despite all the doubts that formed in Nino’s heart. If only he did Nino right. Then maybe, maybe Nino didn’t have to suffer this much.  
  
Nino raised his hand to cup Jun’s cheek. The touch was delicate and shaking.  
  
“And that’s also why I told you to go home. That’s why I yelled at Masaki yesterday and asked Sho kun to stop coming. It’s so fucking hard to accept that I have to.. let.. you guys go, _too_.”  
  
Nino said that with tears flooding out his eyes and a sincere smile that torn Jun’s heart.  
  
Jun couldn’t utter any word. He stood up and stormed out. It was just too much for him. He wailed his heart out in his car on the parking lot later, but Nino wouldn’t know much about it.  
  
At that time, Nino just knew that it was painful to see Jun’s back disappearing behind the door, leaving him.  
  
And it was just absolutely painful for Ohno to see Nino grabbing his arm where Jun’s hand had been, closing his eyes as if he wanted to feel Jun’s hand.  
  
As if Nino wanted them all to stay close to him but he didn’t dare to say so because that’s just how Nino was.  
  
*******  
  
The chemo was started that evening.  
  
Aiba and Jun, despite the fact that they never really left the hospital unless for really important matters, was getting reluctant to be inside Nino’s room. It’s not because they didn’t want to be with Nino - because they did - but because it’s getting really hard for them to contain themselves when they believed they have to look strong in front of Nino.  
  
Aiba couldn’t really stand being inside the room without crying and Jun, once his defense was broken down, didn’t do any better.  
  
So when it came the time for the chemo, Sho was the only one to accompany Nino.  
  
Nino had it well. He was fearless and he was calm during the process. Sho, who always gave his best to act like usual when he’s with Nino, kept Nino busy with small talks about everything and nothing at all.  
  
Ohno noticed that Sho was more nervous than Nino and Ohno also noticed that Nino could tell about that. But everything was better this way - the air, the conversations, the overall situations.  
  
Ohno could see how Sho would pretend that he was yawning when his eyes got glassy after some moment spent just looking at Nino. He could also see the deep sadness reflected on Sho’s face when Nino couldn’t reply to his joke as lively as he always had.  
  
Ohno could also see how upset Sho was to the whole situation - to the fact that Nino was lying on a hospital bed with various medical equipment connected to his body. With chemical being infused to his vein.  
  
Sho would leave every now and then to answer phone calls that seemed to be from Johnny san and Aiba or Jun would take his place just for that brief period until Sho came back again.  
  
Ohno never missed the sad gaze that Nino gave every time Aiba and Jun hurriedly storm outside once Sho was back. It was always so brief but also so heartbroken.  
  
Ohno realized how he hated to see Nino sad and how he wanted to see the light back to Nino’s eyes, even if it was not because of him.  
  
Ohno never left the room for more than an hour until then and when he finally did leave the room for a little bit longer, it was when Nino was asleep with Sho watching him and it was so he could have a talk with his band mates.  
  
He had done so many wrongs until then. Maybe it was too late, but it wouldn’t keep him from trying to do the right thing.  
  
“I know it’s hard,” he started, “but can I ask you guys to, _please_ , be there for him and smile for him? Talk with him but not- not the talk about- about his sickness and all? Like- like what Sho kun does when he’s with Nino.”  
  
Jun looked up to Ohno but he didn’t say anything.  
  
“Joke with him. Talk about happy things,” Ohno shuffled on his feet, “Let’s- let’s forget about the disease and all.”  
  
Aiba shot up a look, “But we can’t give up on-”  
  
“We’re not giving up,” Ohno cut because giving up was the last thing he would do, “Just- just stop pushing him. It’s hurting him, I can tell. I can tell.”  
  
Ohno looked down to his feet. He was smiling with a layer of embarrassment because he knew it was really not his place to ask this.  
  
“I- I just want to see his smile,” Ohno started to feel his cheek wet again, “He deserves it. He deserves happiness. He deserves you guys on his side. So, I beg you, stay with him and make him smile. Because I- because I can’t do it myself.”  
  
Jun and Aiba exchanged looks, taking in what Ohno just said.  
  
“Let’s just- just stop behaving like Nino is going to die soon because- because he’s not, right? Right?” Ohno’s desperation was slowly leaking out, “So, please.. Please behave as if nothing happened and make him smile. Please.”  
  
Aiba was the first one to stand up and taking Ohno into his embrace, nodding his answer, “Yeah, you’re right. He’s not going to die. He’s not.”  
  
“I miss his smile,” Ohno said in between his suppressed sobs, “I miss it so much.”  
  
Jun stood up and walked away from them, half running.  
  
“MatsuJun?” Aiba called.  
  
Jun turned, apparently his eyes were wet too but he was definitely smiling, “I’m taking the Wii. That brat needs his Wii, I bet.”  
  
Ohno felt hope found its way to his heart. He started to believe that everything might get better, what’s with everyone eager to bring the smile back to Nino’s face.  
  
But they didn’t get the chance to do as they planned, the Wii didn’t even get its time to shine.  
  
For that night, Nino’s condition turned to its worst.


	4. Chapter 4

Nino’s body didn’t accept the medication very well. He kept throwing up and it seemed like his body was about to be shattered apart anytime soon. Nothing could go into Nino’s system without getting thrown out again and it was so bad that Nino’s body was shaking in every shrill breath that he took. As tough as he was, Sho had finally come to his limit and the fact that Nino’s condition affected him so bad started to show. Sho broke down to tears openly for the first time that night and it’s like their tower of strength was finally crushed.  
  
“Hey, don’t cry, okay?” was what Nino whispered to Sho that night, after he’s strong enough to lift his oxygen mask and talk. He was so weak, so fragile. He kept swallowing and his breathing was heavy. His eyes were half-opened and unfocused. Every syllable was easily diluted by the wind and his fingers were powerless when they landed on Sho’s cheek, “Don’t cry, please, Sho kun.”  
  
But Nino himself had started to have tears rolling down his cheeks too. To be true, he was getting afraid and seeing Sho cry just made it worse. Seeing Aiba and Jun cry was one thing - it’s saddening and piercing a hole in his heart - but Sho? Sho crying was an entirely different thing. It was like he was smothered by the fact that it was real; his end was near. He started to feel the fear crippling in his blood. He began to worry about how it would feel like, what would happen next. He started to think about his mother and Ohno more, thinking that he would leave them soon. That he would leave Arashi soon too. Forever.  
  
Will they be okay? Will they miss him? Will they cry? Will he be able to see them? Will they be okay?  
  
Nino was not sobbing, because his body was not even capable to do that. He was just panting and letting his tears flow while struggling to breathe. It seemed to be too much for Sho - the look in Nino’s eyes, the faint beeps from the heart monitor, and the pumping sound of respiratory device that reminded him that he could yank the machine off and say goodbye to Nino, as easy as that. So he stood up, mumbled a short, “Gimme a minute,” and turned to take a short refuge outside. But he felt something tugging on the hem of his shirt and he turned to take a look.  
  
It was Nino. With all the remaining strength that he had, he leaned forward and gripped whatever he could grip from Sho. His chest was heaving because his movement was too sudden that it gave his lungs a hard time to catch up and his body was trembling hard.  
  
It was slicing Sho’s heart when, with something that sounded painfully like a weak sob, Nino pleaded, “Please, don’t leave me.”  
  
It barely reached Ohno’s ears on the other side of the curtain but he could feel the desperation in it all the same. Nino sounded so small, so fragile, like he was a little kid who was afraid to be left alone. It felt like it had been forever since Nino was admitted to the hospital, but it was the first time that Nino really pleaded for something.  
  
“Could you stay?” Nino’s voice was shaky and almost inaudible, “Please, Sho kun, I’m afraid. I’m afraid.”  
  
And it felt like Sho’s and Ohno’s hearts were squeezed and pinched and slashed and stabbed to hear their Nino like that. Nino had maintained his strong appearance up until then and when Nino showed that he was falling apart too, it was certainly harrowing and almost unbearable.  
  
Sho didn’t sit back to his chair. Instead, he climbed on the edge of Nino’s bed and brought the younger inside his embrace. He pressed his lips on Nino’s top of the head, whispering, “You’ll be okay,” repeatedly until it felt like it was real.  
  
Nino apologized again and again that night. He apologized for being sick. He apologized for asking Sho to stay. He apologized for being a burden. Sho shook his head on all those, telling Nino that it’s okay, that Nino had nothing to apologize for.  
  
It was all so emotionally tiring that they both fell asleep with damp eyes not so long after. Nino woke up somewhere between midnight and dawn, though, and he stared at Sho’s face up close; tracing every sign that showed how tired and sad Sho was. Sho’s eyes were red and puffy, his complexion was terrible, and his hand was holding Nino’s arm tight like he was afraid that Nino would disappear while he was asleep.  
  
Nino’s fingertips ghosted on the side of Sho’s face. Tears were rolling down again from Nino’s eyes, blurring his vision. It was a mere whisper but it was as loud as it could be when Nino said, “How could I leave you guys?”  
  
When Sho woke up the next morning, he was still on the bed with Nino. When he tried to wake Nino up so he could take his medicines, Nino was not waking up.  
  
*******  
  
Ohno, Sho, Aiba, and Jun could only stare as Nino was moved into an intensive care room with huge glass window on its side. It was so they could monitor his health at all times, the nurse said. The room didn’t have any bed curtain so Ohno couldn’t keep his place inside the room, but he kept his eyes on Nino through the window, not minding how numb his legs were from standing too long. Doctors and nurses went in and out the room more often than ever. The number of life support equipment kept increasing like they’re about to bury Nino under all those cables and monitors.  
  
When Nino woke up, he threw up immediately. Ohno couldn’t fathom what could go out from Nino’s body since Nino barely consumed anything, but it really happened. Both Aiba and Jun hurried to the room to help Nino and Sho ran to fetch the doctor. Meanwhile, Ohno could only stare. He wanted to get inside but he knew he wasn’t allowed. He wanted to be next to Nino, but he knew Nino didn’t want that.  
  
Nino didn’t get any better afterward, he kept slipping in and out of consciousness and at times, he’d have a terrible case of slurring while he’s unconscious. At times like that, he’d chant Ohno’s name and Ohno would beg to be allowed to get inside and hug Nino close. Nino was inching away from being alive, Ohno was inching away from being sane.  
  
Everyone had turned to their worst state when Johnny san paid a visit. Both Aiba and Jun was spent, flinching at every sound because they thought it was Nino throwing up or failing to breathe again. Sho, who stayed with Nino inside the room, had long forgotten how to smile at all. Meanwhile, Ohno looked like he’s cemented to his place in front of the window.  
  
Johnny san was surprisingly concerned about their being more than about the revenue; contrary to popular beliefs. He allowed Sho and Jun to stop their activities completely so they could just be there even though there’s not much that they could do there. He kept the media from bugging them. He kept anyone from bugging them. Not even Toma was given the permission to meet them because if anything, it would only make it more difficult for them to explain things and to see the pity in anyone’s eyes.  
  
Nino was unconscious when Johnny san was there. His skin was so pale and his body was so thin that the old man cringed when he touched Nino so delicately. He brushed his hand on Nino’s hair, looking at Nino with sorrowful eyes that showed just how much he cared. He looked like a sad father looking at his son, and it was most probably what it was because he had seen Nino grew up before his eyes and guided him through it all after all.  
  
Then, Johnny san moved to where Ohno was and he patted the man. Ohno stayed silent, stayed still, but his tears rolled down again as if Johnny san’s fatherly touch spoke more volume than any words. The pat whispered, I feel you. The pat said, be strong.  
  
Johnny san pulled Ohno with him inside and guided him to the chair next to Nino afterward, gaining alerted looks from everyone. The old man just smiled, brought Ohno’s hand to Nino’s, and gestured the others to follow him outside.  
  
The moment they passed the threshold, Ohno scrambled for more of Nino and let his restrained emotions flow out like a waterfall.  
  
Sho tried to explain, “Nino would be mad if-”  
  
“It’s okay. It’s okay for now, the doctor said he wouldn’t be awake within three hours,” Johnny san cut right away, “Look at your leader in the meantime. We can’t close our eyes on him. It’s not only Ninomiya kun who’s dying there.”  
  
They looked through the glass window and they could see that Ohno was indeed worrisome. They knew Ohno had it the hardest, that’s why they even arranged a way so Ohno could stay close to Nino, but apparently as the days went and as Nino’s condition got worse, it started to be not enough for Ohno. Ohno needed to touch Nino, to hold the younger in his hands, to plant soft kisses on his skin, and to whisper his never ending apology to his ears.  
  
All of them looked down and shuffled on their feet.  
  
Then, Johnny san said something that jerked them up again, “Let’s call his mom, alright?”  
  
“We promised that too,” Aiba mumbled. But actually, he had been wanting to do just that since the first time he knew about Nino’s illness.  
  
Johnny san looked at Nino and sighed. He sounded faraway when he said, “I would like to know if my son might be on his journey to the other side,” he said it so lightly but so meaningfully that it hurt. “Moreover, I think both of them - and all of you too - could use more support. She should know what to do. She’s his mother, after all.”  
  
The three of them exchanged looks and stared through the window again. A silent agreement was achieved three minutes later, when Ohno was nearly screaming his apology and his love to Nino and Nino didn’t even open his eyes to scream back at Ohno.  
  
*******  
  
Nino’s mother was not surprised when she was told about Nino. She was just sad and worried, like she had expected this all along. Johnny san escorted her to the doctor room and they had a long discussion there. Then, she finally entered Nino’s room, completely ignoring Ohno. She bowed briefly to Sho and Sho left her to have some time with her son. Again, Nino was unconscious. In fact, it had been awhile since the last time he wasn’t.  
  
Sho joined Ohno in front of the window. Aiba and Jun followed a second later, sticking their faces to the glass to witness the mother and son reunion. They saw Nino’s mother caressed her son softly. They watched the woman clasped her hands on Nino’s weak one and kissed it softly before mumbling something that was probably prayer, probably just a light talk about her everyday life just like she used to tell Nino on the phone. She kept her smile on her face, but her eyes were glassy and there’s this pain that was reflected on her every movement.  
  
It’s such a heartbreaking scenery to see since all of them knew how close Nino was to his mother, despite all the conditions and circumstances that they had been through. Aiba and Jun gave up, they turned around and rested their backs on the glass. Heavy silence engulfed them and even the sound of the clock ticking was too loud for comfort.  
  
“He asked for a picnic,” it was Ohno who broke the silence first, half an hour later. His eyes were still on Nino and his hand was on the glass, as if he wanted to reach for Nino. Everyone took a short glance at him, expecting, “A day before he moved out, he asked for a picnic. Just the two of us.”  
  
They had never heard of it and it was not like Nino at all to ask for a picnic.  
  
“He even said it’s okay to go to the beach so I could go fishing while we’re at it. He even prepared a bento,” Ohno’s hand form a fist, “But I said no. I said no because it’s troublesome. I said no because I prefer to fish without him. I said no even though– even though probably he just wanted to spend more time with me.”  
  
Aiba got a hand on Ohno’s back. Now they got a hint of what Ohno was thinking about while he’s being mute behind the curtain. The guilt had spread like a toxic and it kept growing, consuming Ohno’s being.  
  
“I haven’t apologized for that,” Ohno choked because he’s trying hard not to get carried away by feelings, “I haven’t apologized for not eating the food that he made, I haven’t apologized for promising to go to his sister’s with him and forgetting it, I haven’t apologized for missing our anniversary, I haven’t apologized for losing his mustard shirt, I haven’t apologized for not listening, I haven’t apologized for staining our floor with paint, I haven’t apologized for coming home drunk, I haven’t apologized for– I haven’t– I–,” Ohno was out of breath, all the wrong doings that he had done to Nino, however small, were suffocating him, “I haven’t apologized for taking and not giving anything back. All these years.”  
  
“Riida,” Jun scooted closer to Ohno and he was torn between slapping the older and hugging him tight.  
  
“He’ll get better, right? He has to,” Ohno bit his lower lip until it’s white and probably bleeding, “He hasn’t scolded me for all of my faults yet. He hasn’t screamed at me yet. He hasn’t punched me and slapped me in the face so he’ll definitely get better for it, right?”  
  
They were at loss of what to say. Hope was really slipping away from their grip, they could feel that. Nino was too weak to keep struggling, it seemed that it was torturing him to even just try.  
  
“We’ll find a way,” came Sho’s desperate voice. He’s always the most stubborn and he thought why not use it for a good cause for once, “We’ll bring him overseas. I’ll– I’ll find the best doctor. I’ll contact someone. I’ll ask my dad.”  
  
But even that couldn’t help their hope from wilting, because the next moment, Nino stirred in his sleep and started to cough fervently. He clutched his chest and his eyes screamed for help, he didn’t even have it in him to notice that his mother was there, next to him.  
  
Nino’s mother stepped back. Aiba and Jun ran inside and Sho fetched the doctor - no one told them to but apparently this arrangement came with them naturally. The doctor came running and he got nurses and Johnny san with him. The doctor tried to calm Nino down but it’s no use. Aiba gripped Nino tight and Jun shushed him, but it was no use too. Every cough was cringe-inducing because it sounded so painful. Nino was suffering and it was showed in the way he crooned in between the coughs. When the doctor brought the tranquilizer - reluctant because according to him, keeping Nino unconscious might be a bad idea - Nino shot a pleading gaze towards the doctor. Nino was begging with his eyes. Begging for his consciousness to be taken away because he couldn’t bear the pain that was attached with it.  
  
It was Aiba who voiced out the plea through a half scream, “Give it to him, Sensei! Can’t you see him suffering?!”  
  
And the doctor injected the tranquilizer to Nino. Nino went limp, once again leaving the rest of them to his own refuge. Aiba refused to release Nino from his arms and so did Jun, making them a bundle of mess on the bed. The doctor gave Nino’s mother and Johnny san an apologetic look and then he dismissed himself.  
  
Nino’s mother sighed and she fell to the seat, holding her head in apparent despair. Silently crying behind the palm of her hand.  
  
*******  
  
Nino had three other scenes in the next two days and it’s getting harder to witness it every time. His sister came once and never again after that, probably because she couldn’t take it so well. Nino’s mother didn’t shed any more tear after her first and she did everything she could to make her son better - including leaving the place every time Nino was awake.  
  
Apparently, Nino’s mother knew her son better than anyone. She knew that Nino refused to tell her the truth not only for her sake, but also for his own. She knew that her appearance would only make it harder for Nino. So even though it killed her to just see Nino from afar when he’s awake and even though all she wanted to do was hugging him and keeping him safe in her arms, she endured it with all that she had.  
  
She also knew that Nino was not kidding or being dramatic when he told his friends that he wanted to end it all. He meant it, she knew. He had given up and it’s not because he didn’t want to fight anymore; he couldn’t.  
  
So, that one particularly cloudy afternoon, after the doctor had said that they had to put Nino into a comatose on purpose because his wake was killing him faster, she had a word with Johnny san. A final one that took them really long to finish. Once they finally did, both of them walked out to where Ohno was standing.  
  
“Should I? Or you?” Johnny san asked to Nino’s mother.  
  
Nino’s mother gave the shortest glance to Ohno and sighed. From the look of it, Ohno understood that the woman was disappointed on him. Very. He understood the behavior, though. Who wouldn’t be mad to the man who repeatedly put her son into misery?  
  
“If you could,” Nino’s mother finally said, gesturing Johnny san to Ohno, whatever that meant.  
  
Johnny san nodded understandingly and moved towards Ohno. He took Ohno who was still trying to comprehend the situation and guided him inside the room. Ohno shot a questioning look to Johnny san, then to Nino’s mother, and then to his friends. Johnny san just tugged him forward and said, “Come on, he needs you.”  
  
Once Johnny san and Ohno were inside, Ohno gave an unsure look to Johnny san which was replied with a nod and a push on the back. That time, Ohno couldn’t scream his apology. All he could do was holding Nino’s hand and cried to it.  
  
Nino’s mother watched the scene intently. Sho, Aiba, and Jun approached her, feeling the obligation to accompany her. Then, Nino’s mother started, “I don’t know why Kazu loves him. But I know Kazu loves him so much. Too much that he chose him over me, his mother.”  
  
Nino did choose Ohno over his own mother. Just like with Aiba, he closed himself off from his mother when she confronted him about his relationship. The damage was bigger than Aiba’s case, though. Nino had to meet Aiba almost every day so the tense air between them eventually lessened. While with his mother, Nino seemed to be more and more distant.  
  
Actually, it’s not the gap between them that made Nino’s mother sad. It’s the loneliness in her son’s eyes that got more and more apparent every day. But still, Nino opted to be with Ohno. He fought for Ohno with all that he had and it was not even close to exaggeration.  
  
“Only now that I could see that Ohno kun does love him back that much,” Nino’s mother’s eyes started to get glassy, “How I wish that he could see it too. He would be happy. He would be really happy.” She looked down and pressed her handkerchief to her damp eyes, “Too bad it’s too late now.”  
  
“Okaa san!” Aiba protested.  
  
Nino’s mother turned to face Aiba. She looked at each and every one of them in turn, trembling slightly while doing so. She looked like she was so close to bursting out but she took a deep breath to calm herself down. After several minutes, she started again, “Look at him, would you?”  
  
Aiba, Jun, and Sho shifted their eyes to take a look at Nino’s figure; thin and helpless. Nino’s chest was raising and falling and that - aside from all the annoying monitors - was the only indication that he was alive.  
  
“Look at him closely. He’s so fragile, so weak,” the mother placed her palm on the glass window, “Come to think of it, that’s how he always is, isn’t it? He’s always been so fragile inside, despite all the tough act that he put on. He’s always been so lonely, so insecure. There are a lot of times where his heart was somehow suffering like his body currently is.”  
  
Everyone’s eyes widened by the thought. They gazed at Nino and for the first time in a while, they saw him in different light.  
  
It was Nino, the one who didn’t really fall into his mother’s 5000 yen temptation, but said so because it would be hard to say that he just wanted his mother to be proud of him. It was Nino, the one who had risen from being bullied to being idolized by the whole nation, but still had little to none friends. It was Nino, the one who had never trusted anyone, until he could say that he trusted everyone all the same. It was Nino, the one who said that he preferred to be at home at all time when the fact was, he was afraid that if he said otherwise, it would be apparent that no one had asked him to go out. It was Nino, who kept himself from saying anything upon Ohno’s and Sho’s confessions about wanting to leave the band, but actually felt so sad about it that he kept avoiding them for a few days, thinking that it was probably because of him.  
  
“But, don’t you think he’s the strongest of all of us?” Nino’s mother asked. She felt gazes fell to her skin but she kept looking at his son, “I’m his mother but I think he has helped me more than I have helped him. He’s the one who’s always there, the one which sacrificing is his second nature. I mean, for whose sake do you think it is that his subconscious keeps holding on to his dear life? Even though he did ask to end it all?”  
  
Sho, Aiba, and Jun looked at Nino again. They got what Nino’s mother meant and it slapped them hard. Nino was always the most fragile inside, but he was always the one who gives the most strength.  
  
It was Nino, the one who was there when things between Sho and his parents were nothing but messy. It was Nino, the one who gave Aiba the courage to keep on moving with Arashi after Aiba’s time in hospital. It was Nino, the one who told Jun that it’s okay - it’s okay to change and it’s okay to shine the brightest for once. It was Nino, the one who had taught them that love could indeed be unconditional, because that’s how Nino’s love towards Ohno was. It was Nino, the one who was always the biggest fan of Arashi. It was Nino, the one who had kept Arashi intact because he had nowhere to go besides Arashi.  
  
Nino had been there for all of them, as sturdy as a fort. Always. All the time. So selfless even though he liked to display himself as otherwise.  
  
Aiba had tears in his eyes again because if anyone, it had to be Aiba who had experienced it the most. Nino was practically his brother, after all. Aiba went wherever Nino went and Nino went wherever Aiba went. He had a rough idea of where the conversation was heading to, and he wasn’t sure that he was ready for it yet. He hoped that he was wrong. He hoped that Nino’s mother would just ask them to take care of Nino more.  
  
Turned out, Aiba was right. The next moment, Nino’s mother whispered, “Don’t you think it’s our turn to be strong for him now?”  
  
Sho shook his head and stepped back, “No. No, we can’t do that.”  
  
“Sho kun..,” Nino’s mother reached for Sho but Sho batted her hand away.  
  
Jun gasped at that and held Sho to urge him to calm down. He whispered incoherent words that was supposed to be soothing, but Jun himself was still pretty much agitated and confused.  
  
“The doctor said his life expectancy has decreased rapidly. Medication could help him survive for two months, but it would only be filled with either him in comatose like this or him suffering in his wake. What’s the point of it anymore, really? Just for this once, Sho kun, let him be egoist,” Nino’s mother pleaded, “Let’s put his suffering to an end. Let’s set him free.”  
  
Sho kept shaking his head and looked at his friends to ask for support, but both Aiba and Jun had given in. Sho knew it; he could see it from their faces.  
  
Sho emitted a strangled sound from the back of his throat. He refused to believe that they’re about to let Nino walk away from them forever. But even he knew that it was probably the best thing to do.  
  
“I’ll give my consent to the doctor to remove all those equipment,” Nino’s mother informed them, taking their silence as an agreement.  
  
All of them just breathed. They couldn’t bring themselves to give more hint of agreement other than their silence.  
  
“He wants to be home,” Aiba whispered.  
  
Nino’s mother smiled. Her eyes shifted to Ohno who was pressing Nino’s back of the hand to his lips,  
  
“With him, he’s already home.”  
  
*******  
  
Ohno didn’t know what happened with the others - he didn’t really care. He just knew that somehow, he was given a chair on the corner of the room so he got his place close to Nino again and he’s content with that. Nurses came in that night and some of the equipment was taken away, but Nino looked more peaceful like that so Ohno didn’t ask.  
  
On the next day, one by one, people came to Nino and whispered things that Ohno couldn’t hear at all. There was an endless stream of people coming and going. There were friends from Jimusho, close relatives, and managers. One by one, they all cried. One by one, they brushed Nino’s hair and kissed his temple or grabbed his hand. One by one, they prayed. One by one, they said things like sorry and thank you.  
  
One by one, they left.  
  
When the night was already seeping to the edges of the sky, Nino’s mother was the last one to enter the room. She only stared at her son for a moment that felt like an eternity before she kissed Nino’s temple and said, “I’ll be okay, son.”  
  
Then, she left and there’s only peacefulness inside the room. No sobbing companion, no rushing nurses, no doctors; just Nino and Ohno. Just the two of them.  
  
Close to midnight, Nino made little movements that let Ohno knew that the tranquilizer effect had worn off. He hurriedly stepped outside, searching for anyone to watch for Nino.  
  
But no one was outside. There’s no Sho. No Aiba. No Jun.  
  
Ohno went back inside, panicked and confused. He looked at Nino and Nino was still sleeping; pretty much peaceful safe for a few little jerks of his body. Then, Nino started to wince. Nino writhed and the mask was fogged in a worrisome pace. It wasn’t as bad as the usual, though, but Ohno knew Nino was having difficulties in breathing. Again.  
  
Ohno was at loss of what to do. He looked outside again but still, there’s no one at all. A part of his brain urged him to hide before Nino could see him, but he was aware that he couldn’t leave Nino either. He was pacing around out of panic when he heard a soft call that stopped his heart from beating.  
  
“Oh chan..”  
  
It’s that kind of scene again. Where Nino called out for Ohno in his sleep. Where Nino usually cried, reaching for Ohno with his weak hands.  
  
Ohno felt weak. He had always wanted to run to Nino when this happened, but his friends were always there to hold him back. Meanwhile right then, there’s nothing between them. He could just go there to Nino and hug the younger tight. He could answer Nino’s call. He could whisper all soothing things that he always chanted inside his head because he couldn’t say it directly to Nino.  
  
The question was, should he?  
  
“Oh chan..”  
  
The second call was more heart wrenching than anything. Nino sounded so helpless, so in need of Ohno.  
  
Ohno reached for Nino and grabbed Nino’s hand - more out of reflex than logical decision.  
  
Unexpectedly, Nino responded to Ohno’s touch. He squeezed Ohno’s hand even though it felt more like a powerless press to the skin. He opened his eyes, so slightly it was only a pair of slits in his face.  
  
“Oh chan?” Nino croaked. From his expression, it was unclear if he was fully conscious or not. He had been on heavy tranquilizer for the past few days, after all, even himself was unsure if it’s reality or not.  
  
“I– I’ll get the doctor,” Ohno frantically dashed outside but the hand on his wrist held him.  
  
“Oh chan..,” Nino looked like he didn’t believe it was Ohno who was in front of him. His eyes were glistening, “Oh chan..,” he removed his mask because it made his weak voice incoherent. Both of his hands were reaching for Ohno and his voice became chants of sobs in form of Ohno’s name, “Oh chan, Oh chan, _Oh chan_..”  
  
Nino was in no condition to think clearly and he got the one he had been longing for for the longest time right in front of him so it was just natural when he kept reaching for Ohno. All that he had in mind was that Ohno was there and he didn’t want Ohno to go. He needed Ohno. He’s afraid that Ohno would leave him.  
  
Ohno knew he should call the doctor but Nino’s eyes got him so bad. Those eyes that he loved so much were filled with tears and a plea - a plea for him to stay.  
  
So he stayed. He climbed the bed and gathered Nino in his embrace because Nino was too weak to move by himself. Nino held onto Ohno’s shirt, burying his head on Ohno’s chest.  
  
“Oh chan, don’t leave me..,” Nino said.  
  
“No, I won’t,” Ohno answered. His throat was caught because he was aware that if anyone was leaving, then it would be Nino, “You don’t leave me too, okay?”  
  
Nino kept pulling Ohno closer, as if he wanted to melt himself into Ohno. Ohno kissed the top of Nino’s head and circled his arm around Nino’s shoulders, feeling how fragile Nino’s body was compared to the last time he had the chance to hug Nino.  
  
It had been almost a year, Ohno realized. Or two, because he pushed Nino away for that long already.  
  
The guilt overpowered Ohno again and he felt his eyes burning. With all the sincerity that he had, he said to Nino the things that he hadn’t been saying directly since too long, “I love you, Kazu. I really love you.”  
  
Nino looked up in surprise and disbelief. Tears were flowing when he asked, “You.. do?”  
  
“I do. I really, really love you. Really,” Ohno repeated, “I’m sorry that I– I didn’t show it enough and that I–”  
  
“Oh chan,” Nino’s faint voice cut Ohno. His eyes were on Ohno’s, “Can I hear it again?”  
  
Ohno was stunned. It made Ohno realize that Nino was really craving for his hints of love. He felt guilty. Really, really, really guilty. Ohno pressed the words to Nino’s skin as he repeated it over and over again, “I love you, Kazu. I really, really love you. I always love you. Always. I love you, I love you, I love you.”  
  
“Again, Oh chan.”  
  
“I love you, Ninomiya Kazunari. From the very first time we met. I love you even if I’m a jerk that did you wrong. I love you even if I didn’t show it. I love you so much,” Ohno kissed Nino’s forehead and he could feel how Nino’s strength was decreasing.  
  
Nino felt overwhelmed but strangely light. All of his surroundings were turning into blur and he could only hear Ohno’s voice, but Nino kept saying, “Again, please?”  
  
And Ohno kept repeating, “I love your eyes. I love your smile. I love how you always take care of everyone in your own way and I love how you always forgive. I love your cooking. I love our dates. I love when you cuddle to me and I love when you say you love me. I love that you made a move on us. I love that you kept us together. I love how you give me time for myself and I love how you’re always there. I love the way you love me. I love you. I love you, Kazu.”  
  
Nino let the tears roll from his eyes to Ohno’s shirt.  
  
“I love the way you think. I love your fresh ideas,” Ohno continued. Then, he remembered something, “Like the picnic. You asked me to go to a picnic, right?”  
  
Nino nodded a bit.  
  
“The beach. You said picnic on the beach. Should we go? Yeah- yeah, we should,” Ohno’s voice was filled with a new light. If anything, he was eager to make things right.  
  
Nino smiled. He could picture it in his head and he was giving in to that beautiful images.  
  
“You don’t like to get your skin burnt, so why don’t we go to the park instead? Watching sakura, yeah? I remember that one time we went to see sakura with the others. I love the shine in your eyes,” Ohno continued, trying to ignore Nino’s loosening grip by placing his hand on top of Nino’s, holding it firm.  
  
Nino managed to nod but his eyes were closing.  
  
“I’ll- I’ll cook you hamburger. It’s been a while but I’ll do my best to cook it for you. You have to eat it all, okay? I love it when you eat a lot,” Ohno kept making promise.  
  
Nino let out some more tears and hid his face completely on Ohno’s chest. The soft line of his lips was forming a smile. He felt like he was drowning and floating at the same time.  
  
“You can bring your games! I’ll accompany you all day. I’ll learn how to play your games too so we can- we can play together, okay?”  
  
Nino didn’t respond and Ohno refused to take it in. Slowly, even Ohno’s voice sounded so far away.  
  
“Therefore, you have to- to get better, okay? Once you’re out from this hospital, I’ll take you to the picnic. I’ll take you to one picnic and another. I’ll fill your days with fun picnics. I’ll show you how much I love you. I’ll say that I love you until you’re tired of it. I’ll repeat it until you don’t have the chance to doubt it anymore. I’ll prove it to you, okay?”  
  
Nino lost his grip. His hand fell limply to the bed.  
  
Ohno held Nino tighter. His tears started to wet the pillow, “I’ll show you that I can make this right. I’ll make us right. I will make you the happiest man on earth, Kazu, so get better, yeah?”  
  
Nino’s body had never been that cold and Ohno did his best to make it warm.  
  
“I love you, Kazu, so you have to get better. You have to. You have to!”  
  
Ohno kept talking and pleading. He kept making promises. He kept saying how much he loved Nino.  
  
When the nurses and the doctor came, he ignored them.  
  
When Sho, Aiba, and Jun came, he said to Nino that their friends would be the witness of him fulfilling his promises.  
  
Ohno kissed Nino again and again. He kept talking and talking and talking. His promises kept flowing from his mouth even when people started to coax him to leave the bed. Even when hands started to rub his back.  
  
Even when the beeping sounds from the heart monitor had long turned into one long final tone of an end.  
  
*******  
  
*******  
  
The day when the funeral was held, light shower was pouring down from the sky. Johnny san had made it so they could have a private funeral, away from the media and such. Nino’s closest friends and family came, but everyone was silent.  
  
Nino was gone.  
  
He was gone and no one wanted to believe it.  
  
Pats and words were given to the rest of Arashi members, but they were numb. They couldn’t process any of it. They refused to.  
  
After the funeral, they went home by themselves.  
  
All of them were lost. They lived, but their minds didn’t want to move on.  
  
Jun had a massive breakdown on the ridiculous jacket that Nino gave to him long time ago.  
  
Sho spent no day without visiting the grave and apologizing for not trying had enough.  
  
Aiba found himself riding the Sobu sen all by himself from one end to another again and again.  
  
They were lost in their own grieves and refused to meet each other for it would bring the memories of Nino in the most painful way ever.  
  
Until one day, their manager called them. For the first time since the funeral, Ohno went out from his apartment.  
  
All of them rushed to Ohno’s apartment at once. Ohno had locked himself inside his apartment since the funeral, spending his days mostly by crying and sleeping. He barely talked at all. Ohno suddenly stepping out from the apartment could mean bad things.  
  
When they arrived, Ohno was back to the apartment already. The curtains were opened, everything was cleaned.  
  
And Ohno was cooking.  
  
“Riida,” Aiba was the first to break the silence, “What are you doing?”  
  
When they stepped inside, they noticed that Ohno was cooking hamburger. Their leader was thin and pale, but he was smiling. The smile was weak but genuine, it sent shiver to their spines.  
  
Ohno wasn’t supposed to be smiling. Something must be wrong.  
  
“Cooking, can’t you see?” Ohno grinned.  
  
“Hamburger?” Sho cautiously asked.  
  
“Yeah. Nino asked for a picnic and I thought it would be nice to cook him hamburger,” Ohno smiled happily. Then he looked down a bit, “I’ve been a jerk, you know. I want to make it right, to show him that I love him.”  
  
Ohno couldn’t be kidding - it would be too rude to do that. And, from all the things that had been prepared around them, they knew that Ohno wasn’t messing around.  
  
“I’ve been a jerk and neglected him. I want to change. I want to treat him right, now. I want to return all of his kindness,” Ohno looked up, straight to his friends’ eyes.  
  
“Satoshi..,” Sho croaked when slowly, sadness seeped through Ohno’s eyes.  
  
Then, tears started to roll down Ohno’s eyes despite the hopeful smile. It was as if Ohno’s mind was refusing to believe that Nino was gone but deep inside, his subconscious knew better.  
  
Then, Ohno asked,  
  
  


“It’s not too late, is it?”


End file.
